Free Suggested Amendment!

We at TWDQ have a free amendment for those Congressmen and Congresswomen who still have a conscience and/or vertebrae. If this describes you, Dear Congressman or Congresswoman, please propose the following amendment to the "Contract on Torture" currently being negotiated with the Bush Administration. We think it makes the deal a bit more equitable, plus it should make the statue of Justice stop sobbing into her blindfold:

The Administration will be able to stipulate which interrogation techniques do not constitute "torture" or "outrages against personal dignity" only under the following circumstances:

• The President will be made to stand naked for 48 hours without sleep in a bare, chilly jail cell, and then be splashed with a bucket of ice-cold water. This process will be repeated until the President determines the moment at which the act has become "torture" or an "outrage against personal dignity."

• The Secretary of Defense will have a hood placed on his head and jumper cables clamped to his genitals. The other ends of the jumper cables will be connected to an automobile battery for 30-second intervals until the Secretary determines the moment at which the act has become "torture" or an "outrage against personal dignity."

• The Attorney General will be strapped to a board and subjected to the procedure known as "waterboarding" until the Attorney Generaldetermines the moment at which the act has become "torture" or an "outrage against personal dignity."

• All other interrogation techniques will be performed on the Vice President until the Vice President determines the moment at which each act has become "torture" or an "outrage against personal dignity."

That is, if they want to "clarify" the Geneva Conventions, they'll need to know precisely what they're talking about.

It's all yours, Congressmen and Congresswomen! Amend away!